Pillow Talk

Stacey Greene Coaching
Stacey Greene, Author

My husband and I slept together for years. Cuddle time, spooning, pillow talk, and great sex were all part of marital bliss. Then the kids started coming. The eternal earth mother that I am convinced my husband that the family bed was the best way for baby’s nighttime feedings and parent-child bonding. I never regret that decision, as our lovely, grown children are smart, independent, and healthy. The time that they were needy and dependent was fleeting in the grand scheme of things.

However, at one point I realized my husband’s need to get a good night’s sleep was not happening with all of us crowded into his space.  In order for him to be functional at work,  I started going into the kid’s room for one more story or one more feeding for the baby and just ended up sleeping the night there.

Years later when everyone was weaned and sleeping through the night, I crept back into my own room with my husband. He announced that he had gotten used to sleeping alone and I was relegated to the downstairs futon for anything other than the conjugal visits. In all honesty, I can sleep standing up, lying down, on a couch, in a chair, when a storm is knocking the house down or basically anywhere. I did not understand his sleep issues but saw what a grump he was when not well-rested. No need to watch him take out his crappy nights sleep on the rest of us. Right? Well, read on.

As time progressed I learned to stop missing the intimacy of sleeping next to a warm, delicious, loving body. I was busy taking care of the kids, the house, and working part-time. When I went into the bedroom one night and caught my husband throwing his cell phone under the sheets, I began to rethink our entire relationship. Yes, he was cheating on me and texting another woman before bedtime. No, it was not entirely because we did not cuddle at night, but it did not help matters that we had become roommates with benefits instead of partners.

Sleeping with your spouse is an integral part of marriage. Those moments before turning the light out are meant to reinforce your bond and recap the day. Those moments when the lights are out but you are not yet in full slumber are glorious. I love feeling the warm breath of my husband at the back of my neck when we are spooning. I love the feel of his strong hand on the curve of my hip before we eventually roll into our designated spots in our queen-sized bed.

I get that one of you likes a firm mattress while the other likes it soft. He has to get up early for work while she gets to sleep in. She has to fall asleep to music while he needs it quiet. She falls asleep during a storm while he hears the neighbor’s dog barking 4 houses down. She loves the sheets tucked while he has to have one toe dangling out of the side of the bed. He tosses and turns while she sleeps like a rock. Sound familiar?

No matter what issues you think you have about sleeping in the same bed as your mate, think again.  Sleeping in separate beds is a great way to kill a marriage. I doubt that my husband would be texting another woman if this woman would have been there, every night, to hear his banter or cuddle, or let him open up in a safe space. I often wonder what my children thought when they saw me bringing a change of clothing into the family room and setting up an alarm clock by the futon night after night. Was this the example of a happy marriage?

Sleep with your husband or wife!  That 5 minutes you talk before dozing off is special. That 2 minutes of spooning before rolling over is precious. That argument you had at dinner softens as you melt into the warm sheets together. Sleeping in the same bed often leads to more frequent sex. Yes, more please! I know when I can’t get to sleep, nothing calms me down or relaxes me more than a “quickie”. I know when my husband has had an unpleasant day at work nothing settles his mind more than knowing that no matter what, I am willing to give him the physical affirmation and attention he needs in the moment. Lovemaking is reciprocal and if you are not sure about that, then you need your free coaching call, now!

Here are the solutions I have gleaned the hard way:

  • Get the special bed that has adjustments for soft and hard firmness.
  • Throw out the scratchy sheets.
  • Get the sleep mask if he wakes you with the morning light as he is going to work.
  • Learn to sleep to her music playing and for goodness sake, keep the TV out of the bedroom.
  • Keep your bedroom as a sacred, safe space where there are no distractions.
  • Try to go to bed at the same time, even if that means pausing the Hulu series you are hooked on.
  • Allow your alone time to be a time of relaxation, peace , joy and……………

If you don’t believe me, check out other blogs. Here are a few that I like:


www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201308/the-importance-sharing-bed-your-lover, and


As always, like, share, and comment. I will be looking for you to book that free coaching call.


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